if you take his cock out, you have to give him a bj. it's like giving a moose a muffin.
He's a collector of sorts
Any cool stuff?
You should see the collection of booggers in the carpet next to his desk
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
I still don't understand how I went from crying to blowing you in like two minutes.
Midnight run for medical supplies ended several hours later with a lapdance to the Braveheart soundtrack.
The orgasm outlasted the Charlie horse. Pros and cons.
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
ETSY JUST SENT ME AN EMAIL WITH THE SUBJECT "SUMER ROMANCE" I'M BEYOND FUCKING DONE
I've peed outside too many times in just this past week
When Dad gets to your house, ask him about the sound of anal beads. Happy Thanksgiving!
It was all going good until I realized she was wearing underwear with a butt flap. Mission aborted.
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
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