There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
Just saw a girl trying to crack an egg with her butt cheeks. I think I know what we're doing thursday night.
he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
The best was having to tell my 16y/o cuz and her bf that we could see him fingering her in the inner tube. Lucky for them, I'm the cool cousin... and was river-level fuckedup.
I admit it's going to be hard to top a limo orgy and Mcnuggets....but I have faith in you
Once he past out I measured his penis with my remote.
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
we all took turns holding you up and pretending that you were simba and that we were presenting you to the jungle
Ahhh sometimes you just need a thermos of whiskey in the library
so when he he finally wandered back into the room it was with a pound of cream cheese which he ate in 5 minutes flat and then passed out
Idk I wanna make it till midnight but I also want tequila
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
Well I'm over here squandering a fabulous hair day and radiant complexion
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
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