So basically i got outta bed and started peeing on the a/c unit..when my roommate tried to stop me i looked at him and said "i got this"
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
Dude. It just hit me for a second time. My thumbs are huge and moving very quickly. Like stampeding buffalo...
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
Sometimes I love sober logical me. She makes rare appearances but when she does she shines.
All I know is that I woke up with glitter all over me and blood on my shoes. It wasn't my blood.
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
Waffles and pussy, what else is there?
Forever getting my life back together in gas station bathrooms.
I feel like I hate him but his dick too bomb to hate completely
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
there is glitter all over my balls
Tonights mission: get trashed, smoke a bowl on top of the silo, get some dick. Not necessarily in that order.
Randomize
