Whoa! I think of you when I eat cottage cheese.
Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
Whatever you do to me, stop, I found yet another blonde hair in my asshole.
I am 100% positive that I have seen a porno that was shot in this bar.
Besides asking our teacher if he enjoyed being fisted did I have any other tragic moments last night?
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
I have to date her we need a place to stay for tailgating
It's like your tits told gravity 'fuck you, I'm fine right here!'
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
I'M GOING TO FUCK AN ENTIRE ORCHESTRA AND NOTHING CAN STOP ME
The band club does not count as an orchestra
Update: pile o Coke party starting at approx 4 - 7 and going until 1ish to celebrate our founding fathers and love of cocaine and hatred of everyone\n
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