Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
He is such a slut. More and more my type.
Halloween 2010: the NuvaRing girls. You're Thursday. We'll walk into the party chanting "Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, Saturday, Sunday, Everydaaay".
he suggested we appoligize to eachother. then do blow and painkillers & have ourselves a make-up party.
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
I started to trust fall random people on the dance floor
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
yeah a little bit of me felt bad about it. But the rest of me was having sex with him.
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
Also day 6: dick is healed and ready to go back to work.
The CEO is on this whole 'what do you do with your spare time?' kick. Umm... get drunk and have sex in bar parking lots.
My mother expressed her concerns about my drinking via a facebook message.
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
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