I just wish we had the ability to download food from our TVs.
ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
he asked you how you felt and you yelled "I FEEL SO PROACTIVE!" and started coloring with sharpies
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
I woke up in my own bed clutching a key to a Ramada in another state.
I tried to find the bar, ended up at a car dealership. Then the alarms went off.
Did I get stoned on a sunday afternoon and speak to someone on the phone for an hour about cats and their behaviour? Glad you asked. And yes.
Drowning in science and also vodka. Hope you're having fun.
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
I know. I'm a saint. Saint of sitting on faces.
Do you know anyone else that comes home with unexplainable injuries as many nights a week as we do?
And then you screamed, "I JUST WANNA POUR MAPLE SYRUP ALL OVER HIM AND RAVISH HIS BODY!!"
people need to understand when I say I don't want to drink anymore that doesn't mean tempt me with another bottle of Jose Cuervo.
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
Randomize
