well that was a long night...
dude, you were pretty messed up... what happened?
no idea... but i still woke up with my pirate hat on
Is showing up wearing the condom a bit presumptus
if this week's events in iraq have taught me anything, it's that when pulling out, always expect a mess...
she doesn't hate you. She just thinks you need a personality adjustment, speech therapy and weight watchers.
I think he thought he was a gentleman because he bought me the most expensive plan b at cvs
she said she was living bicuriously through me.
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
Lots of alcohol last night skiing this morning = me throwing up off chairlift
I have visions of guys in cheetah costumes with suits over it pissing on a children how are you
There's like a dolphin trainer convention here or something. I will parlay this trip to Vegas into riding Shamu if its the last thing I do.
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
He had a clap on lamp. So every time he was ramming into me, the lights kept turning on and off
I'm constantly crying, and now I start crying every time I masturbate which is a fun development.
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Randomize