Your sister got a Brazilian yesterday. It looks great
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
Well.. considering he unknowingly dated a prostitute, I consider myself the winner in that break up.
he swears he got herpes from a bowl of soup
She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about.
God forbid we drive unregistered mopeds without license plates on a pedestrians only sidewalk without goggles while flipping off passing cars.
Indeed. The kind of morning where puking in someone's shoes is not frowned upon
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
Oh and it took quite a bit of doing, but I managed to wipe my butt with the hat you left in my car
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
And then you screamed, "I JUST WANNA POUR MAPLE SYRUP ALL OVER HIM AND RAVISH HIS BODY!!"
The people above me are fucking to Miley Cyrus
Randomize
