I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
I swear my cock is like a magnet to my friends younger sisters mouths.
Apparently blazed enough to think that the sizzling meatballs in the pan were calling your name...Ssssteeeeeve
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
New rule : you aren't allowed anything . Ever .
There was booze on his face and I wanted it. I'm not sorry.
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
I immediately regret the tequila decision.
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
You were drinking whiskey from a beer bottle i dont know what you really expected...
He took some pill and now he's on all fours demanding we give him chips from the dog bowl. Come get him.
The people around me on the bus dont know im wearing glowsticks under my clothes. I feel like a super hero.
It was probably the most embarrassing moment of my life. But I had cleavage, so I'm good!
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