OK...I gotta go get strawberry short cake cakes and knee pads
There was a punch bowl full of straight vodka. Glass bowl, ladle, vodka, and no punch at all. It was something of a rough night
I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
you were sat in the corner crying until someone gave you a baguette, which you then tried to feed to the duck doorstop.
I regret nothing
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
do you know how hard it is to bring up the "what do I do if you conk out while we're fucking" conversation while maintaining the dignity of.the narcaleptic girl you just met?
WHY IS FOOD SO DELICIOUS
BECAUSE SCIENCE
So tomorrow I have my performance review with my boss who I banged. When I go in should I ask if this review will be rating my sex or work performance?
Whether ya want it or not, it's gonna happen. Assimilate to the gay
There's a kid in the back of the class drinking out of a flask. Like what is going on?
NOW HE'S DRINKING OUT OF A HANDLE. WHO IS THIS KID?
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
Randomize
