im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
We need to start having rules for the weekends. Like no more downing 3 shots because we want to slut dance a little harder or because biggie just came on.
getting kicked in the face by someone doing a keg stand. just my luck
Hah, I lost the lenses in my glasses, didn't event notice til this morning... How was the meeting?
He told me to put on my big boy pants, then take them off and fuck her before he smacks me with a chair. His pep talks suck.
This is like the time you took a picture of your knees and told him it was your tits, isn't it?
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
dude you said you were going to be a human flag and climbed the telephone pole and fell in front of a car
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
She helped me out of the car and i face planted into the snow.....and just stayed there and took like a 30 min nap.
You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
I cant wait to tell our kids we met because you subscribed to my onlyfans.
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