wanna go halves on a baby?
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
the only thing i remember last nigh is talking to some chick for thirty minutes about cheese.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
Second wave of rafting ended in a concussion. Don't worry though, the paramedic says it's still not considered a DUI.
i've been lying on top of my bed for the past 20 minutes
i'm about to blow half an adderall though and try to rally
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
oh the usual. high as balls and crying about the hunger games.
It hurts to hear and I can smell shapes.
well all i have to say, besides fuck you, is YOU try assembling ikea shelves while high on molly.
I think after tonight I'm 85% lesbian
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
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