What started out as a threesome has become me sitting here watching them have sex... Can I get a ride home?
Her life has all the ingredients for a how to book: Making Your Life an Epic Fail
Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
We pinky-swore to never fuck each other again.
Have you ever wondered what your stripper song would be?
There is ecstasy everywhere. Get over here right no5w. The 5 is silent.
Is it uncouth to have a themed intervention? I know how much you like Star Wars.
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
It can't be Friday yet, in still getting friend requests of people I don't remember from last weekend
i had every intention of working out now im just drinking wine and thinking about taking nudes in my thigh high tube socks
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
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