just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
Just ordered a clown who does balloon animals. No backing out now.
yea im pretty sure it has something do with my love of forearms...
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
Fuck. I'm going to pass the savings right on to the strippers. It's trickle down economics.
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
Where the hell did all of these gingers come from? It's like they crawled out of their shame-caves for st Patrick's day.
He turned me into a screamer. Guess I'm really not a lesbian.
Yeah, the email that I was sending to get an Escort for the weekend, copied and pasted to my boss, that should be interesting conversation, when I come back from Christmas vacation break.
I was drunk and really grossed out when you poured cheese on me and, I guess I just freaked out.
His dad was on the tv delivering the local 11 o' clock news while we were having sex
My one regret (beside the inevitable shit storm that followed) is that now I can't fuck his cute friend.
My house exploded and with it all my pot went up in smoke.
Randomize
