I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
I just wanted to let you know I just licked gravy off of my boobs. Just putting that out there.
Just found a picture of me licking the bouncers ear last night
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
Never ever ever ever ever ever give your number to a 30 year old at buffalo wild wings. Ever ever ever.
Wow. I feel like a bad friend. My fuckbuddy wished you a happy birthday before I did. The reality of that just hit me.
She acts like a 3 year old but with fantastic tits. This girl is the reason women are objectified
Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.
I love you.
Going to the beach. Greeting Sandy with a blunt. Wish us luck!
I'm on the bus, watching a girl shush her balloons.
I did a kegel this morning to determine if I had been penetrated during last night's blackout. Nope.
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
imagine the bill from school house rock beating the shit outta you
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
Randomize
