I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
GET THE DICK OUT OF YOUR MOUTH AND CHECK FACEBOOK.
dude they had a "sorry for partying" wall in their house which consisted if all the hospital bills, tickets, detox receipts and court orders they've gotten. The ENTIRE wall was covered.
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
He taught me where the gears in a five speed are with his penis.
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
He cannot be your sugar daddy. He looks like a literal hot dog.
Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
A bitchslap is in order.
A condom was pulled out of your vagina by a doctor today I do not think you can pull off "closet" hoe anymore
ALL I WANT IS SEMEN IN/ON/AROUND MY BODY. WHY IS HE MAKING THIS SO HARD.
Randomize
