Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
it only took me 1 hour to write 8 pages. i'm never doing school work without adderall ever again.
they night at the roxbarryed us. came out of nowhere,bought us shots, and then the big one licked my hand? we got out of that noise.
Please just tell me how ugly she was so I can bask in the diminishingly small reassurance that might give me
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
Nothing says love like couples STD testing
Nothing says breakup like the results
Guess who just sucked off 1/5 of one direction?
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
the only reason I'm still sleeping with him is to get the university's secure wifi password
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
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