So I'm sober and underage, being hit on by a groom-to-be with braces...is it a bad thing that I'm enjoying it?
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
I was wondering where I've seen this kid then I remembered I saw him doing lines of blow of his gf's leg while she was sleeping last week.
I think when she wakes up, she'll either kill me, or laugh. I hope she laughs.
Just rented the SCUBA equipment. Meet me at the pool to test the underwater beer bong idea.
3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
making an indian outfit so we can be pochohantas and john smith and fuck in the canoe on the night float
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
Told my brother the truth how I meet her...I grabbed the first thing I could when the cops came. 10 months later we are engaged.
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
Some nights you just end up digging your mcdouble out of the trash and eating it. it happens.
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
This will never work. His dick is smaller than mine.
Wow. And yours is kind of small.
RIGHT?
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
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