ok i'm going to motor boat your sister now. ttyl
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
Nothing like a Mormon bachlorette party to make you feel slutty
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
also, I heard you can donate your eggs for like $8gs....hellloooo mediterranean vacation. thank youuuu future babies!!!
I feel like I should throw some tampons around my workspace so everyone will know what's really going on
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
If you really loved me, you'd support my weed habit.
As the person who squeezed you out of my vagina, the answer is no.
Because 9 pm Thursday you drink a loco cause you just wanna get drunk and have a good time with your friends. Then you wake up on Tuesday and you've had 17 locos and you're pregnant, lying on the side of the road, 3 states over. THAT'S why we don't have only locos parties.
There arew tilmes ina man's life when christmaas. THerew are times in a man's lfie when drunk texts from a bathrom hyufgirto. So, you know, merry chriastmans.
we could do so many fantastic illegal things together. sexually and otherwise.
I think snapchat is trying to tell you something. It's saying your boobs were meant to be seen by his family.
I need to pull it together. I just cried my eyes out to Master Chef Junior.
No kiss but I got free McDonald's so at least we can focus on what is really important here
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
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