sorry i couldnt make it to your birthday last night. i admit i chose being a whore over you.
She gives pretty bad head, but when it's in her dad's Lexus SUV it's tough to complain.
You had us pull over so you could pee, you proceeded to pee in some random persons front yard while yelling "im not ashamed"
He started doing the gator chop at my vag and said he couldn't wait to "chomp" on it later...and I still slept with him. I hate gainesville.
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
Throwing up out both ends. This is not how I pictured adulthood.
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
Seriously, she had fingers that made me thank a god I don't even believe in that I'm gay.
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
Tomorrow after you go to the library to look up gay porn, I'm going to come to your apartment to paint a nude portrait of you. Get pumped, plopernickle.
Friends don't let friends go vibrator shopping alone.
Come camping we have xanax and steaks
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
I love that they love me even though I might not exsist, its kinda like Im God.
Randomize
