Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
Her legal name is Candy. Her being a whore is implied.
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
btw theres a pine tree in the downstairs shower. the guys thought it would be a great free air freshener.
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
And I'm determined to make an Eiffel Tower happen sometime. I just don't know who will take the pic (first world sex problem?)
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
Just remember, the Browns have more wins than Ronda Rousey this year.
I knew you were on something when you said you were a puppy and you ate all the frosty Paws dog ice cream which says not for human consumption right on the side of it.
For the record, if you sneeze while you have a dildo in your vagina and you dont have a good grip on it, that thing can get some distance.
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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