I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
I just saw grafitti that read "Mug The Fart Eater". Really, Memphis? That's all you've got?
drunk doesn't even begin to explain it. dude called him and said to bring you back because he'd already called dibs.
4 feet of snow. teaching the cats how to snow swim. throwing them off the porch and seeing what happens.
Just woke up with three stitches in my left boob. Nevertheless, I think I'm going to like this school.
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
she just walked in and said "well, I got peed on again"...
Its 10:23 on a monday morning and im craving jello shots, this is a problem
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
This place is a maelstrom of dicks.
I mean as in stuck up bastards, not actual, desirable male genitalia. My point is, come pick me up fast, please!
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize
