Take xtc, wait 20 minutes and then take a shower. Trust me.
I may also break bread with strippers. Because it is passover.
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
She kept talking about how amazing the banana she had yesterday was. Don't know if it was innuendo, stoned, or just a really amazing banana.
We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
5 hours of volunteer work playing with puppies and banned from the frat I hate most as 'punishment'... Besides the ER trip, I'm not seeing the bad in this situation
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
I'm definitely single now but she stole my mailbox
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
How did you interpret 'wheat thins' from 'vaginal trauma'?
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Randomize
