everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
Brought 2 entire pizzas with to the bar, everyone loves us
He took a shot, then proceeded to puke into the bucket he was iceing his broken foot in
Ecstasy should be its own food group.
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
I have a magical vagina and I can't deny it anymore
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
If it exists, I've probably pregamed it.
Don't do him, he's a Dolphins fan! A FUCKING DOLPHINS FAN!
and then the sword just ended up between my legs
I'm too depressed to drink my wine. That is what I would call a serious problem
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