I solve my problems like an adult, at the strip club drinking on a work night.
bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
this guy is so high, he just ate half of a frozen blueberry muffin and half of a frozen poppyseed muffin, then proceeded to make a "hybrid poppyberry muffin"
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
I don't think that calm, have their shit together people actually exist.
I'm too old for chlamydia. That's for 20 year olds who go to clubs and do drugs I've never heard of.
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
I can't tell if this is a hangover or just a perfect combination of shame and regret
so hungover i had to get off the train to puke, rallied and went to work. not sure if that's an adulting win or fail
Went to go look for a friend that was missing since 3am, found her passed out in the hallway of the apartment, guessing it was a good night
It was get out of line and go pee and get no beef briskit. Or stay in line, pee my pants, but have beef briskit. I really wanted my beef briskit
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