That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
Who keeps a bong in their car??
Kids who graduated high school two weeks ago.
Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
His facebook interests include 'unstrapping velcro'.
that shit musta been laced I laughed for two hours and everyone looked like penguins
using the left over highlighters from the blacklight party to study for finals. feeling the need to write insert penis here on my econ notes.
nothing like Chinese food and masturbating on a Saturday night
I just discovered cum stains from two different guys on my wall. I don't know whether to be proud or horrified.
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
I'll just have to do enough fangirling for the both of us. Nipples engaged.
I have an interview tomorrow and listed you as a reference. If they call you, please don't tell them about the time I smuggled a Chalupa out of Taco Bell in my underwear.
The chances of me making out with someone next weekend are about the same as me not remembering it.
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Randomize
