God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
what do you have against ST
DO NOT ABBREVIATE LIKE YOU AND STAR TREK ARE FRIENDS.
i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
dont get mad but guess who just got banned for life from dodger stadium
I seriously might throw up right now. In class. Sunglasses on. I'm getting too old for this.
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
He told me his cum shot melted the paint on his bedroom wall and asked if I want to see it
There was a trampoline and tequila. It was glorious.
I just want it to be said that I had sex in my Belle dress last night. Classy motherfucker.
Update: I spent 10 minutes trying to fish out a rogue vagina weight.
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