I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
is it sad that I can recall my outfits by who took them off?
They showed a guy on tv in a Brady jersey and a sweatpants boner when the NE offense took the field. They didn't show his face. I hope that wasn't you.
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
Sometimes I think I have so much sex with you to be sure you're actually straight.
Getting drunk and falling down, isnt the best way to describe your hobbies, to your new co-workers.
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
Also I am throwing a blaZer over what I wore to bed and calling it an outfit.
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
yes, i'm a douce. but i'm a high quality douche.
Shut up. I hate you. We're doing shots tomorrow. Fuck the consequences.
Randomize
