I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
I just walked by a party bus on my way to study. God hates me.
ALWAYS CAPS LOCK. IS THERE EVER A SITUATION THAT DOES NOT CALL FOR CAPS LOCK? NO.
Sexting? Sexting in caps lock seems rather unnerving.
I WANT YOUR BODY AND I WANT IT NOW.
I rest my case.
i ended up eating cold sauceless spaghetti out of the container in the fridge with my hands.
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
You know your acid trip is going well when the orange you're eating gives you a life lesson
I swear, the cow we tried to tip tried to eat me. and all I could think was, oh how the tables have turned. worst trip ever
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
The parents I babysit for are at this orgy. I need to leave.
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
Made him watch 4 hours of HGTV then told him I was too tired for sex.
Savage
Ate his Chinese food and drank his beer and played with his chihuahua. All while wrapped in a towel while he was sleep.
You know its a good morning when you wake up with blonde hair extensions in your pocket. . .
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
Randomize
