Okay call me later ill be watching lifetime and scrubbing throw up off my feet
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
Is this a Beer, Vodka or Whiskey kind of problem solving night? It's imperative I stock accordingly.
Questions like that are why I love you.
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.
I need water and some morals
You squatted and peed on the living room floor while maintaining eye contact with Sebastian
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
Dude...itll be a youre-still-a-dick-but-a-hot-one-angry-hate-evil-spite kinda fuck. This is acceptable.
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
Randomize
