so then you didnt wanna fuck tonight right?
oops, you werent supposed to get that until you left.
so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
the biggest problem in our relationship is that im team edward and my boyfriend is team jacob
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
Just when you think you're never going to have sex again, BOOM you're naked in bed with a guatemalan
I think theres a high possibility i could be flammable.
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
you have a wonderful penis attached to someone I'm having a lot of problems with right now
Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
YOU WORK IN THE US CAPITOL! YOU CANNOT HAVE SEX IN THE BATHROOM!!
Dude, you are totally ruining intern season for me...
Opened my notebook to coke all over the pages. So, if that's any indication on how this weekend went.
I have an interview tomorrow! The couple we regularly swing with said I could use them as references. Winning
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
Randomize
