plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
She is wearing lilly and pearls while drinking natty from a monogrammed coozie. If that isn't a sorosititue I don't know what is
There are empty beer cans all over and the go-kart is missing. I need it for my halloween costume.
i cant wait to be back in my element of drunk, on a barstool, ive missed home
The sad part is that if I don't get a random pic of your balls or ass or both every month, I start to worry that we're not friends anymore
I have bite marks all over my ass. Is that an acceptable excuse for missing class?
i asked him to talk to me in french while we fucked and halfway through i caught the word 'lasagna'. turns out he was making his grocery list.....i asked him to keep going.
This feels more like a conference of all the people I've fucked in the past year.
It's going to turn into you and me throwing down in a devastating lip-synch battle while everyone else stands around awkwardly.
i just drunk stumbled into my home... to figure out that we moved 2 weeks ago..
Hey when you get home, can you do me a solid and throw one of your pregnancy tests on my bed?
EPT or First Response?
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
Randomize
