remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
My T9 Word has dryhumped saved but I can't even get it to figure out bbq.
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
found her sleeping in the closet. woke her up and she said she was camping.
He bought me shots at the bar as his way of of paying me back for Plan B
as of this morning I have officially vommed on the highways of 6 different countries. It's a proud moment.
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
Filthy. I need to be power hosed with holy water.
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
I think I just cured my dogs munchies
I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
I got asked to "be the filling in a man sandwich." You don't get to pick the club again. EVER.
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
dude wtf why are there forks in my wall
does "I AM MAGNETOOOO" ring any bells, because that was you for an entire hour last night
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