just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
i just declared my major based on how close the department building was to our apartment. laziness has been brought to a new level
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
College: when you have to set an alarm to start drinking
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
yea I went to the store high again.. I think we're having pie for dinner.
The front camera on the 5S is SO much better. This is great development for my international sexting.
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
Question: how does one descretely ask the ice cream truck driver thats out at 10:00pm if he sells weed?
Randomize
