see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
you know its bad when everytime i put on a shirt i think of who i hooked up with in it
sometimes i wish i had boobs. not on me. just like in a drawer.
uhh when the x-ray tec was moving your head you licked his hand and meowed.. i think he knew you weren't sober
I feel like I have two modes: Super fuckin high, or super giddy from caffeine. I have learned to accept this.
I just found out that I slept with Kate Gosselin's publicist back in June . Brb I have to wash myself endlessly.
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
I think you should do the fixer upper relationship. Like lawyers do pro bono work with underserved populations, you can do pro bono relationship work.
I'm making myself the patron saint of bisexuality
i'm the most scandalous girl at stop and shop. i kinda have to fuck him in the meat cooler.
My penis is lonely
So is my ring finger
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