She thinks she is all that and a bag of skittles but I'm definitely not tasting the rainbow...
No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
Having drunken flash backs of me giving you a piggy back ride. I was like Jesus, and you were my cross. I fell so many times for you. This is true friendship.
I don't know what the fuck is in the water in New Hampshire, but these dicks are HUGE.
Did you bedazzle the elevator?
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
Dude, the lecture theatre is caving in on me.
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
It turned from Netflix and chill to cringeworthy YouTube videos and chill. At least he's honest.
Mid-fucking he screams "YOU CAN'T VOTE FOR TRUMP"
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
But I’m still curious to know... how did the homemade porno go?
I think I'm the first girl to break a bed with a guy, without even having sex with him while doing so.
Randomize
