What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
You think posting ushers "let it burn" video on his fb page is in bad taste? haha
Nah nah nah the rules are different on st patty day, drink beer or die. It's like the hunger games but blurrier
I have to be more responsible. I've dropped three lighters into my bong today.
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
The fact that it neither of us came up with the reason of "it's morally and ethically wrong" speaks volumes about this relationship
In my defense, who let the drunk girl run around with a sack of broken glass unsupervise?
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
I saw his new girlfriend. She was flashing people, short and kinda chubby. I was happy with my life after that.
Randomize
