There's a hobo dancing by himself. Is anyone going to ask how he got in the house?
Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
I wiped a tear off her cheek with my boner. It cheered her up
Dude, everyone in your family has slept with that girl. Her vagina is like the Hindu version of a Bar Mitzvah.
we usually just have an Easter beer hunt and never end up at church anyways
I seriously just found a rose petal in my vagina.
I just took my birth control on the way to class with a 1/2 melted jello shot I happened to find in my purse from Friday night. I told you I was going hard this year.
Maybe walking up to the cops busting our party with a "Things go better with Coke" t-shirt on and asking for my extra license back that my little brother got busted with wasn't the best idea of the night.
Ice cream: Good. Fraternity: Good. Eating ice cream off a Skid Row bum's ass crack in order to get into a Fraternity: Homoerotic at best. I quit.
I found an inside smoking lounge. I'll be here for the next 4 hours. A nice old Canadian lady has befriended me and let me use her lighter. Fuck Hartsfield-Jackson AND this layover. I win.
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
dude, totally just walked home...using pizza as gloves
Did I penguin dive down a hill last night?
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