I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
I'm pretty sure she sent a group text out saying that I was the one to get with her last night and sorry to everyone who didnt make it.
Honestly it was an honor just to be nominated.
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
"I could never have "feelings" for someone who, at one point, wanted to "hate fuck" my face."
Yeah he had his two razors labeled "face" and "pubes". Should I be disgusted or impressed?
He managed to completely creep out every girl I was with last night. It was almost inspiring how efficient it was.
He just invited me over to bang on a sunday afternoon. If I can make it top the time I went to a strip club on fathers day then I'll consider it a success.
I sent him pictures of just me in my thong and he replied "you're so sweet, you make me feel special <3".... Oh.
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
Then that is decided. Fuck away my little bunny rabbit.
I made him fuck me with my coat zipped up and a unicorn mask on. That level of drunk sex. Weird and creepy yet highly satisfying.
I guess you never know how much of an impact you have on someone until you sleep with their cousin
We banged in my car doggy style with my head out the window. The sky was marvelous and I saw a shooting star. Its destiny; we're meant to fuck forever.
I think its a little fucked up she invited you to her wedding, are you going?
There is a lot of acid in my drugs right now
....ill put you down as a no then
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