You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
I am not speculating about which disney princesses do and do not have gag reflexes
i have a new found respect for you. the amount of people you must have cockblocked last night is amazing
I may be in pain from falling off the roof but getting to the morning roof keg was well worth it.
a small fire erupted but we put it out with a can of beer so everything's fine
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
It is official. It's the year of doin married chicks. Similar to the year of virgins but without all the baggage.
Count me out. I seem to have semen induced blindness in one eye.
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
Both of us came out of our rooms at the same time in boxers and sat on the couch. No words were spoken.
saw a family tailgating a graduation with hard liquor... i'm assuming yours?
are you shitting me? they told me they'd at least wait until 10am
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Randomize
