I got to see an enormous amount of vagina this morning.
we were having sex in the bathroom when his aunt knocked on the door
and rather than go out and meet her, i climbed out the window. so now she thinks he was masturbating and moaning his own name in a really girly voice
Is my tampon string too long for this dress?
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
You know... If I put the same amount of effort into school as I put into giving women orgasms I would be a Rhodes scholar
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
morning after pill = breakfast in bed
He woke me up at 4am just to lick my nipple. Then he talked in his sleep for 20 minutes about the sex we just had. I think it's safe to say he's a weird one, but I dont care cuz he fucks like a champ.
I just woke up in his house on his bathroom floor with an IV in my arm.
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
Don't feel bad sweetie, you're not the only classy one in town. I'm still driving around with that tupperware of tequila in my cup holder from last week's Margarita Monday.
Dude, you vomitted into a trashcan wearing your bear hands and high heels. Your drug dealer even said that was rough.
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
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