I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
Yeah. We was talkin. Its ok. My bed is too filled with pam for sex. Its like a slip and slide of butter product.
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
his mom walked in, looked at me, sighed n nsaid 'when are u gonna learn' n walked out
i have this gut feeling friday is going to be interesting.\nAnd by interesting I mean I feel like im going to get punched in the face by his girlfriend.
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
No. Cease was criminally insane from birthday shots, and not a lot of women want to go home from the bar with a guy who wants to "snuggle but keep it strictly professional".
What if he stabs me in the back, mid-orgasm, as I sit on his face? It'd be a miraculous way to go but that's not the point
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
I made him watch the first 5 episodes of Game of Thrones before I decided to sleep with him.
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
he was peeing off the deck shouting "urinals are for pussies" that's how much hurricane.
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
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