everyone knows he gets back in a week and after that i'm not sleeping around anymore. it's like i have a expiration date.
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
Facebook stalking a girl from Germany is harder then you think.you have to copy and paste all this shit into freetranslations.com then try and piece together an awkward sentence. If only I could put this energy into something productive.
I need to get my pants from under your porch. People are asking questions.
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
That and I was watching this life alert commercial and I'm pretty sure my liver turned up the volume for more information
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
haha it's ok, I asked people. I was like "I'm high and lost" and the dude just said "That's my life. Love it."
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
She wanted me to stick my dick in the birthday cake she got me
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
I guess the weekly d&d orgies are treating you well
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
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