woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
Yeah. Fortunately, the road to Hell is paved with naked 21 year old girls.
Which beats the fuck out of good intentions.
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
buying a tattoo gun on ebay just sounded like a good idea at the time idk man
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
Learn from me. When going to a booty call do not wear a belly shirt. Nothing says shame like a belly shirt at 7am.
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
I think my sex life is about to turn into a war on two fronts
I definitely fucked a Trump supporter last night but I wouldn't let him fully admit it because then I would've had to leave and his cock and abs were too perfect
There was a woman who drank mouth wash to get drunk during her supposed detox...this is def the internship for me!
I miss your drunken presence, and strong odor of hard liquor and potent weed.
Randomize
