In similar news, my cock is bigger than the plane that landed in the hudson.
just saw an old couple make out...not too sure how I feel about it. though I will admit at one point I was thinking "oh yeah! get that!"
I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
I think i can make this amish girl legitimately hot.
I swear if it wasn't for meeting for drug dealers @ gas stations, i would never remember to get gas.
i think i made a good impression on his friends wen i survived 55 cup beer pong
the only consolation to the fact that i puked in public today was that i did it down a storm drain... so at least i am a responsible public puker
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
Hes drunk and dancing naked. I can hear his dick smacking his legs from the next room.
We can Fuck in the shower to save time
And this is why I like you. You're so damn innovative.
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
I have nothing to say other than the obvious 'we probably shouldn't have done that' and the less obvious 'i think you bruised my labia major' ...?
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
I was in line at Panera when I got the pic you sent to your coworker. I just showed your vag to a soccer mom. The vibrator was a nice touch.
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