This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
Drinking with mariachis at jimmy johns.
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?
Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.
.......
I'm just looking out for you.
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
You know what's even more awkward then buying plan b from someone who is a member at the gym you work at... When they come in after that day and have that look of recognition
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
Just checking to make sure you weren't kidnapped, pregnant or watching Fox News.
When you licked the fourth stranger's cheek the bar tender pretty much ordered us to get you out.
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
You're either getting fucked or a coupon to Friendly's. I haven't decided yet.
So drunk last night I reviewed my recent anazon purchase of secret deodorant. Trust me, it was eloquent.
I refuse to take any type of advice let alone love advice from a motherfucker who is missing 3 fingers from a Fucked up masturbating accident.
Randomize