Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
Will you still be my friend if I read and enjoyed Twilight?
No
Men with bald spots should not have mohawks. Just in case you didn't know.
he keeps his weed in a birkenstock shoe box. its like, we get it, youre from oregon.
okay, prove you're not drunk to me. write 5 true sentences about me with correct grammar.
I am sober. Because I don't drunk. It is bad. People die. I like Domenico because o he bag women what up?
Last night we hooked up in nothing but out UK shirts during half time. Never say I'm not a dedicated fan again.
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
well, the drug dealer I've been fucking the past 5 months gave me a chilis gift card for Christmas, so things are looking up.
While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale.
What other scale is there?
Well, I tried to shit into my refrigerator. It was a rough night.
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
Finally met a man who appreciates my beer pong skills, definitely a keeper for the weekend
took shots off of a myriad of fake boobs last night. It was glorious.
The lady that was sitting beside me thought the best way to cheer herself up was to pet and ruffle my hair while crying and telling me her problems...
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
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