Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
ive been a drunken mess for the last 5 days. i feel like a 19 year old again
what the fuck is a social media consultant, who does she consult for, and how bad is she at it? her facebook account is currently hacked and posting ads for the ipad 2 on my newsfeed
I'll always be here to give you immoral support.
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
She sucks. And I almost hooked up with a clown last night
He was my shower sex Sherpa last night. And we both made it safely up the mountain.
While running home from the bar in high heels I multi- tasked and sexted with Brent. Jesus.
This is my punishment for trynna have a festive time with a stranger. I always forget you can't get weird with one night stands
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
I yelled "NO FLEX ZONE!!!" at the guy that thinks it's cool to take off his shirt at the party then proceeded to puking
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
Randomize
