it was terrible. i could've done a better job by myself.
We lit firecrackers from NYE in the fireplace and he was so passed out that he slept through it.
You know me. im down for anything that could harm my well being. lets dress like dolphins so everyone will see what dicks they are.
High school girls are buying me shots. This will not end well.
She made out with the kickboxers bf. She was just asking to get kicked in the head. In the middle of the bar.
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
According to the boxer briefs I found on the couch when I got home, I take it your date went well??
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
I don't like how my gyno is telling me how to live my life.
EW HE LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE'S DAD
Kinda suprised you didn't immediately ask about the lesbian ghosts tho
WHAT THE FUCK DREAM ME
I'M GONNA PUNCH THAT BITCH THE FUCK DID SHE THINK SHE WAS DOIN
I just put together something from IKEA so that’s mandatory oral for a week.
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