i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
Buying beer for freshmen. No matter what they ask for, I'm getting them Colt 45.
You don't understand, alcohol has become a thing of survival for me and without it I can't function as a normal human being
and then she yelled "im going to fuck the next guy that walks by me". so ya thats how i lost my virginity
Ive given up on my natural charms. Im trying different accents till some girl wants to hook up with me.
they ran out of ice so they are using frozen shrimp in their drinks
Just had a heart to heart with my John Belushi poster.
how many times have i told you.. they dont like when you laugh during sex
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
you threw me on the ground pryed my purse out of my hands screaming " I JUST WANNA HOLD IT A LITTLE BIT". later i found you putting on my lip gloss.
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
Dude you where on that lil kids bike at 2 am ridin down the turning lane wearing only socks and a helmet singing born to be wild, no you weren't that fucked up
Randomize
