Yeah. I woke up naked in his bed this morning and remember saying "Get a condom cuz I can't afford an abortion right now" last night. He didn't run. He's a keeper
So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
All I know is that if a letter starts with "I'm aware you jerked off in the bathroom last night," I don't want to finish reading it.
Things we need. Powerade. Water in fridge. Mixers for vodka. And reality checks.
can you please explain how one drink turns into 5 street signs with their poles lying around my room
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
White grape blunt wraps are like the equivalent of a glass of wine in a tux.
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
I'd like to preapologize if you or your mom see me naked at some point this weekend.
I just masturbated while watching Say Yes to the Dress
This is what my life has come to
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
