you should buy a sheep. A) you get an awesome pet. B) free coat
i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
You're surprisingly coherent for someone who thinks her couch is breathing.
We're at that point in our relationship where sweatpants sex has become acceptable...
At what point in your drunken state would you actually believe that the cops wanted to party with you?
No, i went to get it done but the guy couldnt find it. exhibit A of why i wanted a clit piercing in the first place.
Find me a date. With a beard. I want him to rub his beard on my tits. I'm not even into that stuff but I think it'd be so warm.
Boats looked like robot pelicans and time was slow and now im on wipe out
We boned on a bench in a park, french people were walking by cheering us on. Totally acceptable
Don't come. It's not even a party it's a total sausage fest. Like 20 drunk dudes in a bedroom. We can still drink by ourselves though it'll be ok
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
HE GAVE ME ONE OF HIS BEERS.
YOU'RE THE CHOSEN ONE.
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
Ohhh the usual. Laying in bed reflecting on my decisions
Randomize
