have you ever wondered what it would feel like to stick those coneheads in your vaj
omg every time its on
so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
I justified spending $400 stocking my bar to my sister by saying it was an investment
Personally I think it's a tremendous investment
Bad news. Pictures just stimulated my memory and i just realized the stripper I hooked up with this weekend tasted like pizza.
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
You need to stop blackout tweeting at him to have sex with you on the roof of your dorm. He doesn't even have a twitter.
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
Poking every semi-decent guy on Facebook in the hopes that one of them will want to hook up with me tonight. So far all i've accomplished is 5 new poke wars which i will most certainly continue after this weekend.
You pulled out a fucking recorder and started playing along with all the songs on your playlist and refused to hit the j
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
I never saw such an emotional argument over yellow vs. spicy mustard.
What happened last night and why am I partially covered in queso?
She said she was sorry for rolling around in her own vomit. Honestly, I thought it really added to the party.
I have to touch the horse lube. :-(
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize