I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
he keeps commenting everything on my facebook. it's like he's virtually peeing on me
Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
You never go ass to mouth. That's quite possibly the most important rule Paramedic school has taught me.
Missing a small section of hand. Hope your night is going better
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
You passed out and she managed to carry you all the way back to your dorm last night. I believe your testicles now her property.
You were hugging the toilet and shouting "don't let fatty eat me" through the closed door.
I ended up naked in a pond with you-know-who and your saying your a good babysitter? Dick.
Haha, apparently they frown upon male strippers there. Bouncers couldn't catch me tho.
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
On the way home there was a guy passed out IN the road on Colfax with his pants around his ankles, completely bare assed. If he was dressed as a speed bump, he succeeded.
How the hell could he be confused. He had a naked girl running to him. I feel like he would enjoy that.
I'll start cleaning the house tonight darlin. So you don't have to fuck your two boytoys in the driveway the next two days.
Randomize
