Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
hey you didnt make it to our afterparty what happened?
Ran around with a boom box broke a trampoline float, had a girl lick my ear the usual
Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
Passed out for 3 hrs til now to wake up naked on my bed covered with grass from drunk slip and slide I would call that success
It's like a mixture of two words
"town" and "Im too drunk to spell right now"
My lab manual has instructions for making home wine. Room project?
Lesbians are nicde people they do not take debit cards
Nahh. Maybe not even a handful. It's more like a heaping teaspoon worth of dick.
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
I have fuck me eyes 4/5 people agree. It's like doctors or dentists but with ppl who have lots of sex and know these things.
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
Randomize
