Hungover. Be in at noonish. Turn my monitor on and put a hot cup of coffee on my desk so the boss thinks I'm in
Sitting in the library lobby in the middle of exam week. Drunk. Dressed as santas slutty helper. Waiting for the student shuttle service. People are clapping for me as they walk by. Tell me how this isnt college
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
Hahah fuck. I keep looking to make sure that stupid line doesn't show up when my guards are down. Babies can sense fear.
I want to throw pennies on her stage, or just ripping up a dollor bill and throw them one at a time.
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
I couldn't drink enough to fuck the friend, you said challenge accepted and stole some chicks shot.
I apologize in advance for the amount of cleavage I'll be exposing your boyfriend to.
I got really adventurous too. Like. Balls in the mouth adventurous.
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
I don't know what's wrong with me. The guy from bar rescue is making me horny
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
Randomize
