remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
She started crying. I don't think she's gotten head from a sax player before.
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
Okay, good. And if you have one of those portable strip poles that would be nice too.
So squirting runs in the family.
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
He just took a bite of each taco bell burrito and hid them throughout my apartment. this was 2 weeks ago and have found 30 burritos so far
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
I climaxed at the same time the bass dropped. I think it's safe to say I've reached enlightenment
Once he bit me I drew the fucking line.
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
Nothing like introducing yourself to your high school boyfriend's wife as "the girl who took his virginity"
is it bad that there is a girl in my bed right now and the only thing i can think about is the fect that its after 3am which means i cant order jimmyjohns unitll tomorrow?
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