do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
I had a party to get rid of booze. Woke up with even more. Will do this till I can open a liquor store
Her parents walked in on us. So for my birthday they bought me a blow-up doll with their daughters face on it. I don't know what to think right now.
You act like this is the first time I literally thought I was invisible.
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
Dude that soap I drank last night is fucking killing me.
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
His legs actually look hot in that dress. He might even make a better girl than Josh
Ive done some fucked up shit, but last night was the first I have Poured milk on anothers mans face in the shower.
Yeah,I'm just gonna keep fucking other guys til this idiot figures out he loves me.
I am going home. I have pee on my pants. Rachel is driving and I and drunk. It is not Rachels pee. It is my pee.
Just got up.... With the club stamp on my ass.... How did it got there????
Randomize