I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
that cunt stole my fb status. SHE'S NOT THAT FUNNY
We named our saturday intramural dodgeball team "we're hungover". Pretty much just an excuse to fuel my alcoholism on friday nights.
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
they shut off the water. shaving my legs with soda. that desperate.
We've started doing pot butter shots. WHY AREN'T U HERE
All I remember from last night is petting the broom with my feet and feeling like I was standing on a horses head
It's a bathroom floor kind of morning.
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
I asked if anyone's pants felt wet on the bottom, like a half hour after mine did. I had just peed my pants i had gotten so high no biggie
I'm treating this like a real date. My boobs aren't even out.
I'm so proud, I have tears
So instead of going to meet her mom, I decided to jump out of her window which was about 1.5 stories off the ground. I'm alright, but I ended up meeting her mom anyway.
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?
I have to sleep with him. We're too much alike. It's like clash of the titans, except instead of clashing, he's putting it in me.
sometimes i just have a bad day n consider lowering my standards
Randomize
