you'd be alarmed at how much plan b i just found in mom's bathroom...
So...i'm having a drinking contest, my right hand vs my left, i have a feeling the 24 pack is gonna win
don't tell me I don't love her. i once slept with my girlfriends therapist, just to find out if she was cheating on me.
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
I wish I could just hang out in ERs.
Can we please get through at least one night out when you DON'T threaten to have sex with one of my parents?!?!
Cute underage boy is in my house.
OH MY GOD. DON'T DO ANYTHING. WHY IS HE IN YOUR HOUSE.
So I'm thinking that so long as I have this piercing, I'm going to get tested for explosives at the airport
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
I wanna fuck that hideous moustache right off your face. get the confetti ready for the festivities
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
Still can’t get over the fact that we ate beef jerky off a strip club floor
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
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