I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
he just told me about his fetish for rubbing grape jelly on his penis.
I learned nothing from that class except drinking and chemistry go together great.
Whatever. I'll let someone else deal with his flacid penis.
I don't think going to Relay for Life and painting our faces while everyone stares at us is a sufficent late night after the bars.
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
I told him to pick up the beer can he threw in front of the police station. So he gets out chugs whatever's left and throws it back and says ok let's go.
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
I mean it was fine and all but I just don't understand why a man would need all that Simon Cowell paraphanelia
I still have the video of you three making soup in my kitchen and asking random people for permission DURING the party, not after like usually
Don't remember, didn't happen
I HAVE THE VIDEO YOU DICK IT HAPPENED
I love you man but my hope is that you will not wake me up again by pissing on me
Randomize
