Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
How many pudding cups do I have to eat for it to count as dinner?
4.
don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
ya i guess you have to take things with a grain of salt in a place where nipple clamps are the norm..
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
This is Jewish guilt versus Irish Catholic guilt. We should tread carefully, or we could fuck up the space-time continuum or something.
I'm okay with that.
I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
i made the walk of shame wearing her booty shorts that said juicy on the back. i'm still counting it as a good night
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
What drinking game we play yesterday? Fight club or something?
Blacked out and Irish exited last night. At dinner. On a Sunday.
He knocked me over backwards in my chair. I had a beer in each hand. Didn't spill a drop.
I think it's time for tequila and I to go our separate ways
Randomize
