did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
I woke up locked in the bar...this has redefined partying.
Bering your kids um. Abiout tol. Throw up
I swear to god if he wasnt on the fourth floor balcony and I wasn't to drunk to climb I would kill him
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
she tied the funnel to the fucking ceiling...
Im currently watching two girls making out. In the library. Hope your studying is going as good as mine is. Haha
I stood on the corner waiting to be picked up, dry heaving, and trying to block out the sun.
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
this vacation is helping with my sexual bucket list so much. threesome, deaf guy, and outdoor sex all accomplished.
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
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